How to Choose Lashes

​Originally Posted on Nov 07, 2016 as Best Style of Lash for Eyes


A wide variety of falsies look gorgeous on almond shaped eyes. Try to choose a lash that is strategically crisscrossed on the strip for a naturally voluminous effect. Or for added flair try lashes that are longer on the outer ends. Single lashes in the outer corners also works really well.

Close Set

Apply individual or corner lashes to the outer edges only to create the illusion of elongation.

Deep Set

With deep set eyes lashes can easily be eaten up by the weight of the brow bone. To avoid this go for falsies that are longer, especially in the center of the lash. Wearing dramatic lashes works really well.

Down Turned or UpturnedWhen the outer corners of the eyes appear to be drawing downwards or upwards, try a shorter strip lash that is longer in the outer corners to lift your eyes. Spiky looks are ideal.


You have a couple of options when you have hooded eyes.

The first is to find false lashes that taper at each end, featuring the longest lashes at the center of the strip, which will draw attention inward, creating the illusion of depth.

The other option is to find a lash of varying lengths in which the ends are flared. This opens up the eye and disguises the hood and gives off the effect of an almond shape.

To create a fluttery, wide-eyed look apply individual lashes to the outer lower corner.


To create the illusion of a crease, try a full set of fine, fluffy, flirty lashes with a great curl. Crisscross lashes add great volume. Heavy lashes can stick out too far looking unnatural.


When your eyelids appear projected in the eye socket area try balancing your top lashes with strip lashes on the bottom, too, which will give the illusion of pushing back your eyes.


Play up your doll-like eyes with song long, wispy, dramatic lashes that splay upwards rather than fanning out. By keeping them long but not heavy you’ll make your eyes appear more cat-like without making them appear small.
Wide SetBring the attention inwards by using lashes with the longest fringe towards the center of the eye.

Determining Your Eye Shape

​Originally Posted on: Nov 01, 2016 as Determining Eye Shape

Choosing the correct style of makeup or fake eyelash can really make or break your look. To figure out the best look you first must know what your eye shape is. There are six basic shapes that your eyes can be (mono-lid, up turned, down turned, hooded, round or almond). You may also need to take into account how far apart your eyes are or how deep they are.

In a well lit area look into a mirror, bringing one of your eyes as close as possible to the mirror while ensuring a clear view. If you have access to a magnifying mirror they tend work best but any mirror will work.

Determine if your upper eyelid has a crease. If not than you have a mono-lid. True mono-lids completely lack a crease, but if the eyelid crease is not visible it should be counted.

If your eyelid does have a crease, grab a pencil or make up brush to make a straight horizontal line across your eye. By doing this you can determine if the outer corner of your eye are “up turned” or “down turned”.

When the corner of your eye lays close to the center you need to take a look at your crease again. Open your eyes wide and check to see if your crease is visible or hidden. If the crease is hidden underneath the upper part of your lid or your brow bone, you have a “hooded” eye shape.

If the crease of your eyelid is visible you’ll need to examine the whites of your eyes around the iris. If there is white around the top or bottom of your iris you have “round” shaped eyes, if not you have “almond” shaped eyes.

Once you have identified the shape of your eye you need to identify the position of your eyes. To do this look into your mirror again, this time ensuring that both eyes are visible.

To determine if your eyes are close set or wide set you will look at the gap between your eyes. If it is larger than one eye length you have wide set eyes, if it is less than one eye length you have close set eyes.

The follow three steps most people don’t need to bother with yet can be helpful.

Deep set eyes appear as though they are tucked further back into the socket, causing the upper eyelid to appear short and small.

Protruding eyes, on the other hand, literally bulge outward from the socket and toward the upper lash line.

Average eye size will be similar to that of your mouth or nose, if not a little smaller. If your eyes are significantly smaller, though, you have small eyes. If they are larger than your other features, you have large eyes.

Make Up to Match Lashes

Originally Posted on Nov 4, 2016 as Best MakeUp Lashes for Eye Shape and Positioning


If you have almond eyes, you have what many consider to be the “ideal” shape as you can effortlessly pull off most looks. Three famous people who share your shape are Lapita Nyong, Jennifer Garner and Janet Jackson.

The best advice for applying makeup to an almond-shaped eye is to follow your natural contours. To avoid making your eyes look smaller don’t put eyeliner on your lower lid (the water-line is fine) or any shadows underneath.

Close Set

If you have close-set eyes you get to join the ranks of Michelle Obama, Rachel Bilson and Jennifer Aniston.

To create the illusion that your eyes are further apart use a light, shimmering colour to highlight your tear ducts. This will catch the light making your eyes look bigger and farther apart.

Use medium matte shades on the outer corner of the eyes and shade past the width of the eye. This will complement a cat eye extremely well.
Darker shades do well on top of the crease.

Line the outer corners of eyes with eyeliner, starting from the middle of the lid and extending out past the eye width ending in a straight line or cat eye.
Apply multiple layers of mascara on the outer lashes and lightly apply mascara on the lashes closest to the inner eye.

A soft smoky eye is perfect for this shape. Just remember to use matte shadows and a base to keep the shadow in place.

Deep Set

undertones from

​If your eyes are set a bit further back you have deep-set eyes, just like Julianne Moore, Taylor Swift and Cameron Dias.

Since you have a prominent brow bone, you will want to use a light coloured shadow like beige or pink on your lid to brighten and diffuse the natural shadow cast by your brow bone. It is best to do this based on your skin’s undertones
By having light colours on your upper lid and a darker colour just above the socket line, the light will be redirected, being drawn further out. When using dark colours apply them lightly over the center of the eye.
Focus on your bottom lash line by using rich colours and applying mascara.
Use light shades to highlight the corners and under the arch of your brow (on the brow bone).

Down Turned

Also known as “droopy eyes” these beauties are made to rock the “Cat Eye”. If you have down-turned eyes you share a likeness with Rose Byrne, Marilyn Monroe and Katy Perry.

Apply medium to dark shades over outer two-thirds of the eye blending the outer corner upwards. Use light shades to highlight the corners. This will lift the overall appearance of the eye.

Use liquid eyeliner to create a thick, bold line and pull outwards. When extending the liner to the outer corner of the eye shift the liner at a 45 degree angle to create the perfect winged line.

When applying mascara, comb the outer lashes up towards the temple.


The exact opposite of a mono-lid this shape has a fold of skin that hangs over the natural crease, making the eyelids appear smaller. If this is your eye style than you join the ranks of Blake Lively and Lucy Liu.

Always use a primer to cut down on makeup transfer.

Bold matte eye makeup looks best on this shape, as shimmering shades will reflect light and make things look bigger than they are . Unlike most other eye shapes, hooded eyes should use medium to darker shades on their lids. Bold colours like electric blue or fuchsia also work wonderfully.

Lighter colors will draw attention to your lid, making the bagginess of your lid more apparent, which can become overwhelming. Try not to over-highlight the brow bone. This being said, white eye shadow in the inner and outer corners of the eye can really open up the eye.

If you are just a beginner, grab a piece of scotch tape and place it on the bottom edge of your nose to the end of your eyebrow. Apply eye shadow from the center of your eye straight out toward the tape (you can use any straight edged object in place of tape) this gives the illusion of a lifted eye.
Apply eye shadow just above where you’re marking your crease as opposed to in the natural fold of your eyelid, then blend upwards until halfway up the brow bone.That way, the color won’t get lost when your eye is open.
Learning how to do a cut-crease is also helpful. 

Don’t neglect your lower lid! Be sure to pull your darker crease shadow out and slightly under your lid.

Tight-lining (as I describe later in mono-lid) is a great method for making your lashes stand out more. If you are wanting to have a wing, the best technique is called “disconnected wing“. 

When choosing a mascara you’ll want to ensure you get a smudge-proof mascara. Fiber mascaras are great for this as they come off easily with water at the end of the day.

Large Eyes

Large eyes give you a larger palette to work with, so you can play around with a variety of looks. Medium to dark shades tend to look better, though, since light shades can make the eye look even larger than it already is.

Mono-lid & Double-lid

Verticle Gradient Method image from

This eye shape is very prevalent among Asian people. If you have this eye type you share a similar eye to Kim Yuna and Sandra Oh. In Asia is becoming common place for people with mono-lids to get a surgery to create a faux lid, this is called a “double lid”. Double lidded people are still best suited to use the makeup method for mono-lids.

My first suggestion for those with a mono-lid is to use the Vertical Gradient Method instead of a Horizontal Gradient Method when possible. It requires less blending to look less choppy.

​Start off with creating a gradient effect to add dimension by applying a light hued shadow on your upper lash line and brush out toward the outer part of your eye.

Shade a neutral or less dark color in the middle and blend with a soft shimmer color toward the inner part of your eye, lifting to the brow bone to create a highlight. Since you don’t have much of a crease, if any, you’re going to brush this shade almost all the way to the brow bone, stopping right below.

By putting the dark-ish hues closer to the lid and in“sideways V” shape you’ll is able to create more dimension.

Horizontal Gradient Method image from

Don’t forget to curl your lashes. Volumizing mascara can really help to define your eyes and open them up.

Many people make the mistake of trying to put thick eyeliner on when they have mono-lids. This ends up looking harsh and jarring and often ends up smudged, also, once the eye is open it can be completely lost to view.

The first suggestion I have is called “tight-lining”. This is done by applying eyeliner between your lash line onto your waterline. Tight-lining helps define the eye shape and makes lashes look fuller.

Using a liquid liner, line the outer third of the lid and drag past the corner of the eye to create a little wing, this helps create extra definition to the eye. Don’t go too crazy on the wing though as it is creating the illusion of a crease and looks best when trying for a more natural look.

To make a less harsh cat eye or wing use eyeshadow instead of a liquid or pencil liner. You can still apply the same amount of product as you would have with the eyeliner, just ensure to blend it out to avoid the concentrated powder look.


If your eyes are protruding then you share an eye shape with the Olsen Twins, Nichole Richie and Christina Ricci.

By using medium and dark colours around the top and bottom of the eye and extending it no further than the creases on either side you’ll be able to make your eye appear further back in the socket.

When applying your eye line make it thicker towards the outer lid and upper lash line and thinner towards the inner eye. This will reduce the space on your projected lid. If using eye shadow to line the eye use neutral medium and dark shades blended together.


Those with round eyes tend to look youthful. If you have round eyes your celebrity matches include Mary Louise Parker and Zooey Deschanel.

If you have round eyes, apply medium to dark shades over the center of the eyes and use light shades to highlight the corners. In doing so, you “narrow” the overall shape of the eye. Also don’t forget to highlight that brow bone.
Start your eyeliner from inner corner and take it all the way to outer corner, ending in a straight line or cat eye.

Small Eyes

Small eyes tend to be overwhelmed when you use dark colors, so stick with light to medium shades and avoid weighing down your lash line with too much liner or mascara.

Up Turned

This eye shape can wear many different looks. A suggested technique for this shape is to play up the lashes using colored mascaras and liner. If your eyes are up turned you join the ranks of Tiffany Hines and Angelina Jolie.

Apply dark shadow or liner along the outer lower corner of your eye, this will make the outer corner appear lower.
Keep eyeliner relatively thin, especially along the inner corner of your eyes, so they don’t appear smaller. To keep your eyes looking balanced and symmetrical ensure to mirror the bottom lash line with the same kind of line you use on top.

Wide Set

Contour the browbone and crease area with neural matte tones.

To create the illussion of closer eyes, you will need to channel your inner eyeliner master. Use a dark liner to line both the top and bottom lash line starting as close to the inner eye as possible. Start thin and make it thicker as you pull towards the outer eye.

Use mascara from your mid-eye to your nose brushing towards your nose.

Storing Wigs

​Originally Posted on Sept 1, 2016 as How to Store a Wig

Wigs are becoming more popular to wear, just like in ancient times. So the question becomes how does a person store their wigs in such a way as to keep them in great shape? Although caring for a wig depends on if it is made of natural hair or artificial fibers, storing them is the same for either type.

Displaying a Wig

image from Alexa Poletti

Once you remove your wig, if you plan to wear it regularly or keep it on display, put it on a wig stand. This helps keep the hair in place and is best done with shorter styled wigs.

If you are going to put a long haired wig on display ensure to not let it bunch up at the bottom of the stand.Take the excess hair and gently twist and wind it around the base of the stand.

Keep the wigs in an open and clean area, free from direct sunlight, heat, and dust. It’s also smart to keep your wig away from pets and curious children!

Long Term Storage

Image from

If displaying your wig isn’t ideal for you, the first thing you’ll want to do is wipe it down with a dryer sheet to remove static cling. Next you’ll want to brush your wig out with a wide toothed comb and a wig lusterizer spray to reduce tangles.

If your wig contains clip pigtails, remove them from the main wig and loosely braid each of them to keep them from tangling.

The wig should then be folded in half (ear to ear), parted in the center and placed in its original plastic packaging. If your wig does not have a center part, you should place a piece of crumpled gift/tissue paper at the crown of the wig to help it keep its shape and allow it to aerate during storage. 

​Having crumpled paper in the crown of the wig is a good idea even when it has a center part to ensure bacteria doesn’t grow from the wig being in contact with itself. Storing a wig that is damp or full of product can cause long term damage.

​A longer haired wig should be held up by one hand with the length of the wig in the other hand. Take the ends of the wig and put them up into the cap. This makes it easier to put inside a net wig cap. Putting a wig inside of a wig cap helps keep fly-away hairs better managed and makes it easier to put into the plastic storage bag.

Image from Alexa Poletti

If you have a growing number of wigs it is a great idea to label the bags. I personally label my wig bags with the colour, material type and length descriptor. If you are concerned about the wig flattening inside the storage bag use a piece of cardboard to surround the wig. These can be easily made from cut up shoe boxes.


If you plan to travel with your wig, be sure to store it in a sturdy container where it cannot be crushed as this might cause it to lose it’s shape or style. If you are a frequent traveler, investing in a custom wig box may be the best option for you.Lay tissue paper in the bottom of the bin. If there are clip in pigtails coil one like a snake. Place a couple of sheets of tissue paper on top of this then coil down the second pigtail. Lay two more sheets of tissue paper and then lay the wig on top.

Crumple some paper inside the crown of the wig (or put up the extra length of the wig inside the crown), and the fold ear to ear. Place inside of a wig cap and then on top of the covered coils. Place another sheet of tissue paper on top.

Corset 101

What Size of Corset to Get?

When ordering a corset it is important to know your bust (OB), under bust (UB), upper waist and hip measurements.
Once you know your measurements you will want to choose your silhouette level. [The number of inches you want in difference from your bust to waist and from you hip to waist]

Brand new corset wearers should error on the side of too big and work their way down into a smaller corset to prevent damage to the corset as well as from harming themselves.

Sillhouette Level

Bust to Waist Ratio

Hip to Waist Ratio
Level One:
4 – 5 inches (UB)
5 – 6 inches (OB)
6 – 7 inches
Level Two:
5 – 6 inches (UB)
7- 8 inches (OB)
7 – 9 inches
Level Three:
6 + inches (UB)
8 + inches (OB)
10 + inches

If you plan on training your waist we suggest going 4 – 7 inches smaller than your natural waist size. Keep in mind that lean muscle doesn’t train nearly as well as fat tissue. This is known as the “squish factor”. If you are tall and have extra fluff you may find that 8 – 10 inches is not too extreme a reduction.

What is Waist Training?

Traditionally “waist training” referred to the use of steel boned corsets to develop an exaggerated hourglass shape. By cinching a corset tighter and tighter, the waist trainer corset was able to pull in a woman’s floating ribs and even do a bit of rearranging of her internal organs to effectively reduce the circumference of her waist. The effect is semi-permanent, requiring continued corseting even after the goal reduction has been achieved.
More recently, celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Amber Rose have redefined the term with the use of latex waist cinchers during workouts, shifting the entire concept of waist training (we refer to this practice as “waist taming”). Women discussing “waist training” these days are, more often than not, likely discussing it as a part of their workout plan.

How Long Does it Take to Waist Train?

Waist training takes different amounts of time for different people. There are a number of factors that go into how long it will take to train your waist that include (but are not limited to): diet, exercise and how many hours a day/week you cinch.

Is it Dangerous to Cinch Your Waist?

It can be, if done incorrectly.

​The media loves to tell the horror stories of the corset wearers who have gone too far. You can easily find them by Googling the subject. Cathy Jung  is a fantastic example of extreme training. The truth of the matter is that anything can be over done and cause damage.If you are interested in the other side of the argument Lucy’s Corsetry has a wonderful composition of benefits  a person can gain by wearing a corset.

There are also some myths about waist cinching that float around that can cause concern.
The first being the well known quote “no pain, no gain”. If your corset is causing you pain loosen it or take it off completely! Listen to your body and you will be just fine.

The second is the controversy that corsets can break your ribs or that ribs must be removed for a corset to properly function. There is absolutely no evidence that anyone has ever had a rib removed for waist training. In the Victorian Era (when corsets were a regular essential part of fashion) it would have been been extremely risky to have this sort of surgery.

​Your “floating” ribs at the bottom of your rib cage will move in as you waist train. However, once the corset is removed your ribs will pop back out. Not instantly though. If you engage in more extreme round the clock tight lacing you will certainly notice your dramatic shape after removing your corset, but your ribs and flesh will begin to return to their former shape.

As for breaking ribs, that is also nearly impossible. It takes more force than most of us can muster to break a rib. This Victorian myth most likely stems from the fact that early corsets were made from whale boning (Baleen) and those bones did certainly break. So it wasn’t that the corset was breaking ribs but that the corset “rib bones” were breaking.

Putting On And Taking Off Your Corset

We highly suggest wearing a chemise or shirt under your corset. By wearing something under the corset you avoid the sweat and natural oils you skin rubs off onto the lining, which means you can clean it less frequently. If you are wearing an under bust corset, it is possible to purchase tube tops specifically to go underneath.
Ensure the corset is loosened completely before going to put it on. This is to ensure you don’t force the pins and have them pop out or warp your busk. Use a mirror to see what you are doing. Ensure the corset is lined up straight to your center, do up the busk and then pull the center pull loops (aka rabbit ears) to tighten the back. Fix the modesty panel and then going from the top of the corset towards the middle tighten the exes. Fix the modest panel again, re-tighten using the pull loops and then tighten the exes from the bottom of the corset up to the middle. Fix the modesty panel once more and “tie” the corset.

One mistake many corset wearers make is wearing their laces tied around their waist. This will abrade the fabric of the corset and lessen its lifetime. Instead, if you don’t like to leave your laces dangling, tuck the lace ends under the bottom of your corset.
If you need to replace the lace in your corset, we suggest doing so with a polyester ribbon that can be purchased from any craft or fabric store. Measure your previous lace to get the appropriate length and adjust as needed, remembering that it is always easy to make them shorter.

When you go to take off your corset ensure to loosen the lace all the way to avoid unnecessary stress on the busk and boning. Then undo the busk.
Once the corset is off you can spot clean it with mild detergent, delicately wiped down with a damp cloth or take it in for dry cleaning, if needed. Never put it into a washing machine because the boning will warp and bend. Instead of rolling it up, hang the corset with the inside facing out, using the strings to balance it. This allows the corset to breathe and protects the outer fabric from being damaged. The fibers will relax back into shape, and, well, the fresh air will do it good, scent-wise.

How to Measure Yourself

image from

Here at Kittie’s Kostumes we are able to set you up with designers who can make costume pieces, custom order pieces from afar, or design costume pieces for you to wear. When we do this we need accurate measurements of your body to be able to make these fit you. When a garment fits well not only does it feel better but it looks better too.
To measure yourself you will need a soft measuring tape (available at most Dollar Stores), paper, pencil/pen and if possible a friend to help measure you, as it is easiest to get proper measurements when someone else is measuring you.


Height is measured from the crown of your head to the floor where you stand flat footed. Ensure to do this on a solid surface as grass and carpet will sink under your weight.


Place the measuring tape around your head about 1/8″ (0.38 cm) above your ear, acrossthe mid-forehead, completely circling your head. Hold the tape firmly but not too tightly. If you fall between numbers, choose the larger size of the two you fall between.


Measure around the base of your neck, starting at the hollow. Round up to the nearest 1/2″ (1.25 cm)

Upper Arm:

Measure the circumference of your arm. Wrap the tape measure around the widest part of your upper arm from front to back and around to the start point.


​Place your hand at your waist or hip (your elbow should be bent at a 90-degree angle). Then start at the middle of the back of your neck and measure to your shoulder, down your arm to the elbow, and then on to the wrist.

​Chest or Bust:

​Measure the circumference of your chest by placing the tape over the fullest part of your bust, wrap it around your body ensuring it is under your armpits and over your shoulder blades, and bring it to the front.


Wrap the tape around your rib cage immediately under your breasts. Round up to the nearest whole number (in inches) to get your band size.

Rough Guide to Figuring Out Cup Size

Difference in Inches

USA Cup Size

UK Cup Size
1/2 “AAAA
1 “AA
2 “BB
3 “CC
4 “DD
5 “E or DDDD
6″F or DDDE


Use the tape to circle your waist, much like a belt would, at your natural waist line. The natural waist line is roughly 2 inches above the belly button but below your rib cage. Ensure not to suck in your stomach or else risk getting a false measurement. If you generally wear your clothes below your waist, take that measurement as well.


Measure the circumference of your hips. Start at one hip and wrap the tape measure around your rear, around the other hip, and back to where you started. Make sure the tape is over the largest part of your buttocks. Because making sure the tape is level back there can be hard, measuring in front of a mirror can help.


This is the distance from the uppermost inner part of your thigh to the bottom of your ankle. You can measure your inseam in two ways. Always measure from the crotch down.
With help: While you’re wearing a pair of pants, have a friend stretch the tape from your crotch to the bottom of your ankle.
Without help: If you have a pair of pants that fit you perfectly (and they shouldn’t be too loose around the waist), measure the inseam of the pants, again from the crotch to the hem.
The proper inseam on a pair of pants you’re going to purchase will depend on the height of the heel you’ll be wearing with them.


Measure the circumference of the fullest part of your thigh. Wrap the tape measure around your thigh from front to back and then around to the front. You may be tempted to cheat by lowering the tape measure a few inches, but then you won’t get an accurate measurement.


​Flatten your feet by shifting your weight forward and then measure your foot from heel to the tip of your longest toe. Measure booth feet as one is larger than the other. Feet swell throughout the day so ensure to measure your feet around the time you would be wearing the shoes unless they will be worn all day, then measure them after being on your feet all day.

Measurement in CM

USA Child

Euro Child

UK Child
7.90 Infant15 Infant0 Infant
11.44 Toddler19 Toddler3 Toddler
17.111 Small Child28 Small Child10 Small Child
22.24 Child36 Child3 Child

Measurement in CM


USA Women

Euro Men

Euro Women

UK Men

UK Women

Feeling Drained

Now then, I haven’t written this looking for pity or help. It was more of a response to something that happened to me a couple of months ago that I am still trying to sort through. I apologize for the length of it but I cannot make it any shorter and still get my point across. I only hope this will help you understand a snippet of my life.

I am drifting away from everything of importance, unable to find the hard ground beneath my feet. What I once loved passionately, I now feel disconnected from, my life has become a disorganized nightmare. Passion is something that I now envy in others. I am in a state of continually trying to fix “it” and then losing all footing as I slide into another bout of failure.

And talking to friends or family about everything I go through seems out of the question for me. No one wants to hear about the same complaints over and over again. No one wants to see how selfish a person can become or moody they can be when their life is so difficult for them to separate their thoughts from. I’ve lost a good number of friends over this and so instead I say nothing and deal with my life the best I can, trying to shield my loved ones from what I go through.

My brain has a difficult time knowing what reality is anymore and I fear for what that means for my family, my friends, and my children but not myself. I know exactly where it will take me if I cannot change things – to an early grave. Not one made by my own hand but by my lack of will to continue with changes that make things better. If I make it to 50 I will be pleasantly surprised.

I know that my depression and anxiety are starting to cripple my life yet seeking help is too difficult, taking medication too taxing, and my fear of being hospitalized so severe that I won’t even go in when my body is unable to function from pain.

Fibromyalgia is ruining my life. It’s debilitating, depressing, irrational and it robs me of any chance of having a normal life. I have to deal with severe pain every day, every hour, every minute, of every day. I’m not talking about occasional muscle aches and pains, although I get those too. The pain never goes away, never, I am always in pain. It is sharp and stinging, hot and burning, dull and achy, throbbing, pulsating, making me feel tight, stiff, and constricted. It is a nagging heavy, gnawing, never-ending pain that oftentimes feels unbearable.

There are days when I must literally drag myself by my arms across the floor to get a diaper for my daughter. It takes me over half an hour to go the roughly 30 feet, as I must stop to rest my aching body on the way down the hall.

I try to hide the days that I am this bad from my husband so he will still go to work as we cannot afford for him to stay home and care for me. I stay in bed until after he is gone, as best as I can hiding the sound of pain in my voice, the tears from my eyes, and the frustration from my voice. We need the money, I am not on disability and with my health I am unable to be a reliable employee.

Yet I run my own business. Yes, a creative venture I love, it gives me an outlet in which I can be independent. In three years I have had less than 2 weeks worth of sales though. I knew it would be slow to start as I am a mother first but it would be nice to pay off the debt I have incurred getting it up and going…

It doesn’t help that I have to deal with extreme fatigue and exhaustion. It is not the sort of tired that you can rest away, resting doesn’t help. And if I can get more than four hours of uninterrupted sleep in a night, sleep doesn’t make it go away either.

On my best days, which are very few, I function at about 40 to 50 percent of normal health capacity. I get as much as I can done in these days, often overdoing it and causing the next few days or weeks to be agony.

Even talking on the phone can be exhausting for me. It is extremely stressful for me to have any scheduled appointments as I get very anxious and panicky. I don’t know if I’ll be well enough or have any energy to go to them. But if I don’t schedule them, I know I’ll forget and someone will get mad at me for being a flake once again.

I meditate, I do relaxation techniques, I pray. I take medications, I stop medications, I self medicate too. Nothing helps for long and nothing helps completely. Nothing in my life is normal. I cannot take anything I do for granted. I have to be very careful and cautious of everything that I do, if not I can make things worse. That “gentle touch” on my shoulder I got from a stranger two days ago was enough to make me cry, I can still feel pressure from where it felt like they shoved me.

And this is just from my depression, anxiety and part of the fibromyalgia symptoms. There is other stuff going on in my life that I don’t have diagnosis for. Things that only the closest of my friends know, things I don’t even tell my family about as they don’t need another thing to worry about when it comes to me and my life.

Prehaps one day I will be able to feel like myself again, prehaps one day I will have the courage to get the help I need and stick to it. Prehaps one day there will be a cure for what ails me. But for now I must just keep going on, trying to be as positive and strong as I can.

The MotherNapper

There is a portal in the room where I take baths. The world on the other side looks remarkably like my own. It has the counter I sit upon, the brown and silver curtain that hides the bath tub, the post that hold towels and even the particular (white) walls that mark my house as my own.

Daily my mother takes me into this room, not for a bath like expected but so I can look into the portal. What she seems to be oblivious about is the fact that she disappears into the portal every time we look at it.

I hear her as if she is still beside me but she is there on the other side, smiling and happy. But the child in her arms is not me. I do not know who this person is but they have tricked my mother into believing that I am there with her.

I have made every attempt to get on that side of the portal with her. I have smiled at the other child, reasoned with it, yelled at it. I have tried everything conceivable to pass through the portal. Even my mouth could not penetrate the cold hardness that is in the way.

I have started to pound upon the portal to see if there is a weak spot that I could travel through, but the child who has bewitched my mother stops me continually. Every time I put my hand upon it, she blocks it with her own. This is how I know I am doing the right thing, there IS a way to get through.

Now I must figure out how to trick this child into missing my hand as I try to get through to save my mother.  Wish me luck!

2015 Goal Mantra

I am AWESOME just because I exist.

Every morning I awake is another gift, a blessing, even if it is sometimes in disguise. With an eye for the charm and romance of living I will practice aliveness with enthusiasm and aim to do something today that will be a blessing to another being.

I will not be scared of anybody or anything; instead I will pour that energy into being a confident, kind person who will not let people take advantage of me; nor my family. I will not let depression or anxiety get in the way of my successes. “No” will be taken with dignity, not getting me down. By working on keeping both my thoughts and words in good order I will not let negativity take over. I will forgive myself and others, apply my knowledge with wisdom and tact and challenge myself regularly because a person cannot grow without leaving their comfort zone. As I do this I will continue to learn about myself.

I am a spiritual, physical and mental being. By not letting the materialism of the world surrounding me beat me down; I will not forget this. To ensure health in all of these aspects I will meditate weekly for a minimum of 30 minutes, daily practice deep breathing activities and read something educational for a minimum of ten minutes, thrice weekly I shall exercise my body for at least thirty minutes and ensure to eat well balanced meals that have been planned out in advance. I shall ensure to celebrate my spirituality by communing with the outdoors, looking to the skies, ensuring to take part in spiritual holidays and through prayer.

I am a role model, not only for my daughter but for others as well. As much as I would like to have a friendship with my daughter I am her parent first, her life is in my hands and I will do what I can to ensure she grows up to be an independent, strong, beautiful person who is comfortable being herself and doing what she would like with her life. I will foster in her the best parts of me while still remaining true to the person she is.

I am a loving, supportive partner to my man. I will make a point to listen, to open myself up completely and keep my vows to him. While our lives continue to change I will take the time to continue falling in love with him a little bit more each and every day. At least twice a month we will have “date nights” to court ourselves even after marriage.

My family is and will continue to be in my centre.  I will not allow excuses to come in the way of a strong relationship with them. By taking an interest in their lives and being in regular contact with them I will make my connection with them deeper. I will make an effort to do this within my friendships. Weekly activities together will help bind us more closely together.

This year I will abolish my debts completely, get ahead on payments of bills and begin saving and investing for the future. Life is expensive and I will not have money be the cause of distress in my life. I will also apply for insurance policies because things happen that we cannot control.

I will enjoy being able to stay home raising my child, knowing that I will not have to have a J.O.B. that keeps me miserable. Instead I will spend my free times writing weekly, creating and selling beautiful pieces of art and learning how to help others reach their goals and dreams. Come the winter I will work part-time to bring in a little extra for the holiday season.