Today I feel defeated as I lay in bed unable to cope with the pain involved in getting up.
For a few years now I’ve felt as though things in my life were becoming more and more of a struggle. I had so many things I could blame that upon. My mental health, my physical health, the financial state we were in, the lack of communication between people, etcetera. Despite this I always tried to look positively towards the future, I’d make goals and plans and begin to work towards them.
Things have been tight financially for us. Prior to purchasing our home we spent money frivolously on things we wanted at the moment but could always make our bills. Recently paying our bills has become a strained game of where the funds will come from. But there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I would be able to work more once both my children were in school. I could get back into making my own costume items for the costume shop, I could take on more shifts with Skip (as long as my body remained mobile) and we could get ourselves out of what feels like an endless circle.
For the last two or so weeks, I had a bad feeling about going out of my evening Skip shifts. It gave me anxiety attacks that would keep me home. I now feel like it was a premonition or a guardian angel or something giving me a warning that something was about to happen. Last night I ignored that nagging feeling, hopped into my car, and made a few deliveries. I wanted to go home but figured one last delivery would be okay to do.
Instead, I ended up in an accident. The arrow for me to turn left onto the highway turned green and I began my turn, meanwhile a woman drove straight through and we collided. Airbags deployed, my car crunched up, I could see a yellow-white smoke and I felt shaken. I have yet to get the dashcam footage out of my car but fortunately all people involved appear to be alright, although in shock. I ended up with the worst of the physical damage with a swollen scratched lump on my forearm/wrist area where the airbag must have hit me.
The car is probably totaled. We have two years of payments left on it and I had planned on beginning to save up for our next vehicle this autumn/winter.
I have so much to figure out, such as: what I’m going to do for income now that I don’t have a vehicle and the buses around my home come around only a few times a day; how I’ll get my children to and from school as it takes them between 45 minutes to an hour to walk to the school from our home; how I’ll attend appointments so I can get my disability application together; and will I even be able to get a replacement vehicle with the way costs are rising?
If it were only the car being damaged, perhaps I wouldn’t feel like this today. But we’ve had a slew of ‘bad luck or fortune’ recently. Deaths of friends and family, our deep freeze breaking down causing us to throw away hundreds of dollars worth of food that went bad, the instability of my health, a hose bib that leaks, an infestation of rodents that our indoor cats have been leaving randomly around the house as gifts, and so on.
So for today only, I am allowing myself to feel the frustrations, the anger, the discouragement, while I attempt to figure out how to move on from the issues bogging me down. Tomorrow I will look for opportunities and positive things in life.