So, there are some things that have been laying heavily upon my heart for a long time. I’ve felt as though I’ve been a failure – I mean, not really a failure but not nearly as successful in my life as I had hoped to be. And I know that success means different things to different people but I figured that by the time I was in my thirties I’d be in a better position to reach my own goals and to give back to the community around myself. I’ve concluded that my mindset is the main thing that has been holding me back.
Those who know me well know that I have mental and physical health issues. They are a list of things that I allowed myself to be defined by, and in turn, I used that definition as a shield of excuses to not work productively towards my dreams. I think the hardest thing about it is that others have also done this, it has been accepted and allowed by so many people. They still affect my life obviously – it’s not like you can just shove years of trauma, depression, anxiety, physical pain, and such into a single therapy session and be magically better – but I have made a decision that I want to actually change things in my life for the better.
My journey towards this decision has been slowly building over a number of years. Every once in a while I get super motivated and I work towards things with ferocity until I burn out and no longer want to do anything – as though success is too much, it’s petrifying, becoming exasperating as it is such hard work, and I succumb to the thoughts that success is much too good for me. And then I cycle into yet another depressive spiral in which I tell myself that I am unworthy to reach my full potential. It sucks and I do not want to do this again.
A few of my life dreams I have achieved. I’ve found a fantastic partner who supports me, loves me, and genuinely wants the best for us; although he doesn’t necessarily know how to get there or what that may look like for us. I’ve two beautiful children who are growing up to be healthy and amaze me daily with their intelligence, creativity, and resilience. I have a home that I can call my own, friends that I can call in an emergency, a life that I can schedule around the chaos that is called life.
But I have so many more things I want to do in my life. And to get there I need to become more financially stable, healthier, and change my mindset. I’m working towards it, and want to document some of this journey. The best way to stick to something is to be accountable, isn’t it? So, over the next however long, I intend to make clear concise goals with an action plan, share them here, on my sorely under-used blog, and make my life better. Hopefully, in doing so, someone else is inspired to do the same. And if not that’s alright because I’ll be creating a lifestyle that should allow me to help others in different ways.